Imagine trying to sleep and you hear the sounds of someone smacking chicken breasts together in the middle of the night.

i think coffee is a vacation drug. not worth it spending your tolerance to fill out spreadsheets 15% faster. use it like healthy cocaine to be more attentive at the museum

why am i still hearing fireworks?? tf are y’all celebrating? unemployment?

now why’d they name that little girl jonbenet

This makes me so proud to be an American. Super woke people who claim to hate the US are still so integrated into our tolerant society that everyone is mean to them when they travel to the homeland of their parents You cannot escape your American nature! You're one of us!

Unbelievable A Russian submarine commander was assassinated on his run yesterday He was posting his workouts on Strava! One of the people who liked the posts, was the Chief of Intelligence of Ukraine

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Y’all remember that phase of internet when mfs was making a chipmunk remix’s to every song that came out😭

don't invite me unless these are the plans

I’m giving up smoke.

Well my favorite rapper has now made an album prefect for my morning prayer and meditation and yoga. And something for crushing emails durning the day. Didn’t have this on my bingo card. But i like it.

And another…

I. AM. SCREAMING 😭😭😭😭 Everybody communities sick of men with these mics.

This the video imma show the Aliens when they ask what being from the United States means.

there should be a "take your friend to work day" so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

sorry your spotify wrapped was embarrassing do you want to go to chili's and talk about it over margaritas?