universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

If not free healthcare, maybe ad-supported healthcare. Like my doctor can stop in the middle of examining me and sing the Liberty Mutual jingle

Stages of holiday shopping
1. Plenty of time
2. Gifts for myself
3. Oh no

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade

Lemonade: *kills you*

My husband: we really need to cut back our spending

My dog: absolutely, right after an emergency visit to the vet

Just found my ring

the grinch is the hero of the story when you realize he’s just an introverted dog person who’s tired of capitalism

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“I can’t do this anymore, I quit.”
“But-“
“Later, losers.”

decades-long manhunt ends, finally bringing closure to grandson of trampling victim

If I've already put a sock on before I notice a hole then I tell it 'you can have the day buddy...' and wait until evening to throw it out

wow i just can’t eat another bite

*continues to eat bites*

12: How do they know Santa wants milk and cookies? What if he wants a Taco Bell combo?

Me: Solid point.

me: it’s break time

them: you’re taking a break?

me: no I’m having a breakdown

There should be a word for lol when you really are laughing out loud

Once again The Great British Bake Off has tricked me into believing I can bake

[3 weeks ago]
my mom: I can’t believe the Carters are still alive

me: I just looked up Kissinger and he’s 100

[10 days later]
me: omg mom you killed her! Now if Kissinger dies we know I too have the gift

[10 days later]
me: who should we do next?

Attorney presenting the court with her brief

just once i want to tell someone how poorly i slept without them trying to outdo me

People who say video games are bad are the same people who taught me a game about murder with a lead pipe in the study when I was eight