New fake, retweet for me ? Unless you want to wind up dead. pic.x.com/VlKCwmBi9x

I WANNA SAY THANKS NOT ONLY TO GOD BUT TO JESUS x.com/thcoriginaI/st…

MOM PLEASE @SevcnSins

WIFE: what happened to us? is all our magic gone? HUSBAND: *removes his seemingly empty top hat & pulls out divorce papers* TA DA!

EVERYONE IS ASKING ME WEIRD STUFF

This is gonna be my official fake bc she's goals and I'm sorry but rt??? vine.co/v/MVau0paYEvO

[boss shows new girl around office] Boss: this is Dave, he- Me [mouthful of yogurt]: this isn't cum

[crawls out of burning house] "SIR, IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE INSIDE?" [flash backs of wife eating the last Go-Gurt] "No."

[to girl at the bar] "How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough--" "Enough to break--" "ENOUGH TO NOT INTERRUPT ME MAYBE? Fuck. Forget it."

[shipwreck diary] Day 31: my fingernails have gotten so long that I can scratch my asshole with both hands on my hips

[mumbling in the back of cop car] It's not my fucken fault you made stealing illegal.

[priest reading to congregation, struggles to turn the page] "God fucken dammit."

Me: dude calm down. You're seriously telling me I'm the first person to ever take a shit in your hat? Arresting officer: shut the fuck up

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM DOING