GIRL: kiss me ME: ok but im not very good at it GIRL: you cant be that bad ME: *i lean in for a kiss but end up giving her the Stone Cold Stunner* i tried to warn you

ME: she's jealous of me because i can play Mr. Brightside using nothing but armpit farts WIFE: not true ME: I'll do it right now WIFE: please don't MARRIAGE COUNSELOR (visibly excited): you can express yourself freely here brandon

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer! ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

no no no i wasnt clapping for you, I was giving myself a bunch of high fives...you sucked actually

*longingly staring into my soulmate’s eyes* would you still love me if i didn’t have knees

ME: (removing my AirPods) Not guilty your honor.

Happy cinco de seis!

ME: Don’t see a lot of southpaws come through here. GUY AT THE NEXT URINAL: What?!

I used to drink tons of Diet Coke but it’s been one month since I’ve had a drop. I want to share some of the changes I’ve observed in myself over that time: - My health is unchanged - I’m less happy - My one source of joy is gone Thanks for encouraging me on this journey!

CELLMATE: how in the hell do you get thrown in jail for a parking ticket? ME: funny story... [earlier in traffic court] JUDGE: im ordering you to stop ME: *starts playing my bagpipe even louder*

*tightens straps on electric chair* Any last words? -I think male oysters should be called boysters Omg will someone throw the damn switch

*holds X-ray up to light* [Dr.]: There seems to be a pencil inside your butt. I think it's safe to say it's a *lowers X-ray* Number 2 pencil

My country tis of thee Land of Obesity Big Mac w/ cheese I'll take a side of fries & make it super sized But Diet Coke this time No calories

PREACHER: any prayer requests? 3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

PASTOR (suspicious his congregation is a bunch of ducks): *bows head* Give us, Lord, our daily bread *opens 1 eye to check for reaction*

[texting gf] February 13th "I think we should spend some time apart" February 15th "Ok that was enough time"

ME: so what do you do GUY: I'm an oral surgeon ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you're a helluva kisser

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise - it's a nacho bar inside

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady? HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.