Netflix and hold in your farts until she leaves

[text] Me: Where are you? Boy: home Me: Let's verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

I put pants on today, what more do you want from me? -Adults

If I could be a Disney princess, I'd pick Aurora. Finally I'd get all the sleep I need.

Voted most likely to die in a spider-related house fire.

Beyond feeling and emotion, love is an action.

Welcome to the serenity that is Sunday Twitter Where the pace is slower The people fewer & the hangovers are worse Wait...What?

*Rearranges all my Valentines Day "I Hate You" cards* There. That's better.

<---Puts an "Objects Look Larger Than They Appear" sticker on the full length mirror at the gym...

Million dollar reward to anyone who can invent a way for us to slam down the phone again with drama and fury.

As it turns out hiring someone to whack me off doesn't mean what I thought it did.

Don't make her have say "It's okay" too many times.

Got a cold? Shower yourself in chicken noodle soup. *pours soup over whiny husband with man cold*

Fighting the urge to text you.

Genuine is so fucking attractive and will never go out of style.

Is it tiredness or wakefulness

You probably think people can't give blood without you, don't you?