Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more. Me: And the drawback?

My dog thinks the earth is flat, and he's still smarter than some of you.

I hope women get drafted because I think they look good in uniforms

There are tons of people who can't wait to tell you to be kind, but I'm here to remind you that sometimes people don't really deserve your kindness, and that's okay too.

Brain: That cookie is hot. Me: Like lava hot. Brain: Let it cool down. Me: Agreed. Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions. Me: Also true.

Close female friendships are great because you get to take turns acting crazy.

Starting a motorcycle gang called The Super Best Friends

Chubby weird girls with nice boobs and a sense of humour are important to the ecosystem.

I have an idea

Stepping in dog poop with bare feet isn’t so bad—especially when it’s my husband, and I get to watch.

I'm so sick I had toast for breakfast. I feel like I'm Angela Lansbury or something

I have a Bigfoot locked in my garage. He keeps saying he's the mailman but we all know how they lie

Elon Musk is a terrible president.

What’s the difference between Trump’s cabinet and a cactus? With a cactus, all the pricks are on the outside. Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.

The only thing that keeps me coming back here is the thought that one of you that I interact with is actually a retired, millionaire ex-Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, that's now a private detective or something and your using an anonymous account to try to get with me

Being a wolfman doesn't sound so bad it's only once a month

Sometimes I look at my husband and think, “Wow. That’s the person I chose to argue with about dryer lint for the rest of my life.”

If there's one thing I've learned to make life easier is to just be quiet and listen. Listen to what people are saying. And the staring. Stare hard and long. Really get creepy. Listening and staring, that's the secret

I stay up as late as possible on Sunday nights because thee is no reason Monday has to get here quicker.