A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. #WillyWonka

I have an idea for a medicine that relieves pain and aids in sleeping. I think I'll call it Tylenol PM. Yep, that's a winner. #genius

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction. #Genius #Medicine #WhyYesIDoKnowEverything

Penguins are the smartest of all animals.

Cat hair is one of the highest sources of fiber found in nature. #QuiteHealthy #Genius #Nutrition

There are some horrible rumors going around that I kill people with kindess. #False I've never killed anyone. It's called #NaturalCauses.

The man I try to emulate in the medical profession is #DrGregoryHouse.

What does tossing cold cuts have to do with Marvin Gaye? Brighella Cavicchio will have to explain it. #Confused #NoOneIsCrying #BlueIsTheNewOrange

I have my doubts on whether the circulatory system is even real. Each time I cut a guy open to look, there's too much blood to see anything.

Also, if you're concerned about what "guy" I'm cutting open, it's just random people. So I wouldn't worry. #YoullBeFine #ProbablyWontBeYou

People keep telling me about "germs". I keep telling them I don't believe in magic. #SorceryIsAStoningOffense #Genius

Are any of my patients missing a spleen? Cause there's one on my desk and I'm pretty sure it's not mine. #oops #stillagenius

I suppose it could be a pancreas. I'm not quite sure how to tell the difference visually. #shutup #youdontknoweither

I find myself fascinated by Vampires. I never believed in them until I read books on their History and Anatomy called Twilight. #forrealz

Who has two thumbs and is a doctor? This guy! #WSUsausage

Tonight at Wilner Auditorium: FREE diagnosises!

Recently dead? Come see me tonight at Wilner auditorium at 7:30 and we can discuss your options.

@Sandy_Cab93 you are an excellent deputy!

@kelizabethn Yes. I am.

#sausage is now over and I don't know what to do. I do, however, know what you should do. Follow @cjosephcoffman. He's even funnier than me.