Haven’t shit myself once this year! Feeling proud y’all 💪

We will skip through the meadows and run through the woods and swim in the river.

how about when there is a silly man

Okay my ex bf would measure increments of time in shreks - he’d say, “oh yeah my drive home is approximately 1.5 shrek the thirds” and tbh I think that’s the only reason I liked him

Who wants to be my Valentine’s Day date

A mafia guy who has really misunderstood "make it look like an accident" shouting WHOOPSIE every time he fires the gun.

this is the greatest thing I have ever seen

No but why do they all stand like they just got arms for the first time

inside of me there are two danny devitos

Eradicate this

call the struggle bus i need a ride

don’t talk to me until i’ve had my salami

a year ago i was dumped & facetimed my friend walking my dog and fell. she was concerned but not concerned enough to refrain from taking a screenshot and that is true friendship

And that’s what I’ve been saying

Happy international women’s day if you’re a man you owe me $5

you don’t get it. this is fashion

believe.