Friends: “Be ready at 8” Me at 8:01

Real water drinkers know that all water doesn’t taste the same

Feeling like a baddie

9 year old me when I changed the HDMI on the TV and my family thought I was a tech genius

The Phantom menace

out last night. nowt daft. end up pulling the town bike. leave pub. no rubbers. still folded her like a deck chair in the comfort of her own home. dip before she woke up this morn. get home. cock sore. potential clap scare. been batting lass off with newspaper till get all clear.

bro is such a vibe

I wanna Bit of the action

last thing russia wants is a bloke like me on the front line. nimble. quick hands. high score of 987 on them boxing machines. neighbours cower behind the curtains when i walk through the estate. unfortunately done my back in at work last week so will have to give it a miss. sick.

If you’re being heckled in public like Mike Tyson was you should legally get a hall pass to beat someone’s ass. This generation thinks they can get away with anything.

get to smiler. hour queue. grabbed kids by arm. barge way to front. dad in mountain warehouse boots tells me theres a line. told him he better sniff it then. continue to front. ride staff tell me put stella down. clearly lookin for a scrap. jabbed him in nose. escorted out. sick.

rare footage of one of my scraps. people underestimate the power an speed in my fists. x.com/ArmyVike/statu…

in pub. fanny everywhere. old fanny. young fanny. honking fanny. tidy fanny. any will do. have a warm up on some of the old fluff. dianne. buy her drink. lean in. tell her a have a semi. she gets up. walks away. assume she goin to toilet an wants me to follow in 2 mins. buzzin.

trick o treatin. costume on. first house. knock at door. pop the question. bloke tells me am not gettin fuck all. too old. stare him in eyes. ask him if hes ever been tricked by fully grown man. could make his life living hell. he trembles. hands over the treats. mug. next house.

in shop. 20 l&b red. at counter. goth senses tingling. turn around. the smelliest cunt a ever seen stood before me. stinks of sweat an disgust to family name. look him up an down. tut. spit at feet. tap contactless. collect tabs. waitin for him outside. has no right to be here.

make sure your mental health is a priority this year.

Call me ranch cause I be dressing

I never played tag because I knew I was it

No new friends