MY MAN: (comes home) ME: (nervous) how was the store MY MAN: fine ME: oh thank g — MY MAN: ran into jolene ME: oh no MY MAN: she mentioned you left kind of an intense voicemail

[my first day in a drug cartel] kingpin: where's the coke me: is pepsi ok? hehe [later] police: this is the most bullet holes we've ever seen in a single body

5 things that give me the ick

The Royal Albert Hall was furious The Beatles wrote about them in a bad light in their song A Day in the Life. John Lennon wrote back in the only way he knew how.

All the hats I’ve crocheted for my dogs, 1-80

At least all my neighbors are on the same page for once...

Oh my god

The complexity of man

Oh, @OscartheGrouch, we love you too! #ValentinesDay

This tree looks like it's sneaking out of the woods. 😁

The coworker Elaine shows her New Yorker comic to is like 90% of twitter

One of funniest things I’ve ever heard was a girl explaining the difference between Glasgow & London. She’d moved to London, was dressing boldly, and no one batted an eyelid. She wore a beret in Glasgow and within 2 mins someone leaned out a passing car and shouted “BONJOUR!”

The Kate Middleton Photo Scandal has now got me seriously questioning this. 😒

LMAO

Tiger Woods shaking the hand of his favorite tree at Augusta. Nothing but class

how it feels when someone walks in on u eating in the breakroom

‘I’ve called a general election by mistake’

I'm having real trouble playing Balatro because I keep imagining the default Joker like this.