Clown trying to get my attention at the parade: Me: (avoiding eye contact) Sorry…I really don’t like clowns. Clown: “That’s ok. I really don’t like crazy old ladies.” Uhm….crazy, maybe, but old? #clownssuck

Just found out the plane that will take the equestrian’s horses to the Olympics is named Air Horse 1 and I can’t explain how happy that makes me.

Who’s going to tell her?

British kids be like mummy may I have a fruit by the 0.3 metres?

don’t tell me I’m not patient, I’ve been waiting 20 years for benson and stabler to hook up

I've been driving for 40 years and still don’t understand why people back into parking spaces.

Sorry. Can't. Sundays are when I focus my anxieties on several unpleasant hypothetical situations that could happen this week.

If you’re wondering at what age children can be left unattended with glitter, I can assure you that it is not age 8. In related news, pretty much everything coming out of our house will be covered in glitter. #parentingfail

How far away are we from schools allowing seniors to substitute teach as an elective?

I duck my head down while driving into underground parking garages to make my car fit, in case you wondered what kind of superior intellect I’ve passed down to my kids.

my right hand: I shall carry 30 bags of groceries at once my left hand: I got the bread.

8 year old girls’ basketball in a nutshell: Hubby: “Remember to use the back board, get the rebounds, & have a strong stance.” Daughter: “Oh look, it’s a unicorn shadow puppet”

I need a dresser exclusively for the t-shirts I never wear but can't bring myself to get rid of.

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

today I’m remembering middle school when I went to a friend’s house & saw a portrait of a dude on the wall and was like “hey is that your grandpa?” and she was like “um that’s Jesus”

23 and Me but to find out what percentage of Nick Cannon I am.

Ticketmaster is like “we’ve hidden five Taylor Swift tickets in chocolate bars located across the world GOOD LUCK”

I'm sorry, but you can't *always* be experiencing a higher volume of calls than average. That's not how averages work.

As someone who turns 50 soon, I feel justified in asking WTF TEMU? That lady looks like she was on the Titanic.