The dog who also barfed on the floor the second I stepped out of the room

Jacket? You mean Diet Coat?

Currently feeling real dumb for how hard I laughed at this

Please don't ever say 'I know' or interrupt people when they are trying to help. It is really a bad look, especially when push comes to shove and you don't actually know. Admit fault, say 'I don't know' and stay humble.👍

oh your boyfriend’s a doctor? well my boyfriend is now the coach of an imaginary football team for the next 4 months

My boss just gave me a "quiet promotion": I have many more responsibilities but my job title and pay stayed the same

dating really is funny bc I did many things in my late teens/early 20s that genuinely make me wonder how I’m still alive but the guys im dating now are meeting a woman who gets a headache from red wine and always dresses sensibly for the weather

When are we going to stop saying 'its nice to meet you... in-person..' and have a slight chuckle after? I've 100% met most people only in person now, and I still say it. The end is near?

I will not “jump to recipe”, I want to know how your baked ziti relates to 9/11

If the article starts with 'A tik toker figured out...' I stop reading and realize it is time for bed.

Is mercury in Gatorade? How's everyone doing?

Is liking spaghetti squash a slippery slope to becoming vegan? If so I'm on my way.

ME: *roasting chestnuts on an open fire* JACK FROST: I am going to nip the fuck out of your nose.

The scariest moment in life is when blueberries fall from the fridge. Will the container open and ruin your morning? Or will it be your lucky day? 🫐

The only reason I would ever get Paramount+ is so that I can have access to all seasons Spongebob anytime anyplace.

When did everyone agree that autotune is talent? 😬