interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance” me: interviewer: me: you don’t remember me do you?

Look at this guy smash his own nuts by crossing his legs.

It is impossible to say “there’s someone in here” in a non-psychotic way when someone knocks on the bathroom door

I can feel my soul leaving my body

CHARLIE: [gets golden ticket] Grandpa I want you to come to the factory with me GRANDPA: Thank you Charlie! [they embrace] OTHER GRANDPA: *getting out of bed* Cool, guess I’ll go fuck myself

tfw the kush hits and u realize the midi for laura's theme creates actual twin peaks

8,000 years ago, Britain had so many trees that a squirrel could go from John O’Groats to Land’s End without touching the ground.

teen vogue 2002: would JOE JONAS🎤👦🏻 like your lip gloss💁🏼‍♀️💋 or are you UGLY❔😳 teen vogue 2019:

there's a bloke next to me in the glastonbury queue literally quitting his job over the phone right now. huge energy

Four weeks into a job, you’ve seen everybody’s shirts

A BROADWAY SHOW ABOUT A PIZZERIA AND THEY MAKE ACTUAL PIZZAS ONSTAGE AND SERVE THEM TO THE AUDIENCE AND THE PIZZA IS SO DELICIOUS BUT THE SHOW IS GODAWFUL AND SO IT CLOSES BUT SOMEONE BUYS THE THEATER AND TURNS IT INTO A PIZZA RESTAURANT AND THEN THEY DO A BROADWAY SHOW ABOUT IT.

How to piss off every designer ever. userinyerface.com

oh my god

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

This has been a burden in my life for a few years now and finally I have got to the bottom of it......

i get high on: ⚪️ life ⚪️ drugs 🔘 that part in come on eileen where it slows down and then speeds up