Kidnapper: your coming with me Me: * you’re

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese's peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

*Hulk Hogan ripping off his shirt and shouting 'HELL YEAH BROTHER' as he is sworn in as the new Secretary Of Kicking Ass (formerly defence)

Nancy Drew and the case of the mysterious acronym my teen sent me that I can’t figure out.

What must a pancake think when it's being flipped? Doubtless something jolly.

Mexican restaurants are like: we have 1 meal arranged 54 different ways, which one would you like?

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

[sees a guy selling drugs outside the supermarket] *whispers to self* Pablo Tescobar

[Getting tazed on the bus] I’m the conductor now lmfaoooo

Back in the day Mike Tyson was known as Iron Mike and he was a Fe-nom send tweet

A scammer called me and said he had all my passwords... "You're a lifesaver! Hang on while I grab a pen and paper."

In France, automobile thieves are called carjacquers.

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

me: i make a mean grilled cheese my grilled cheese: go fuck yourself

One-upping the other new members at juggling club by starting with katanas

[Arriving in Hell] *Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*