wife: What's wrong? me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a duck on it but they didn't give me any yellow crayons] Nothing

I got a flu shot last Monday. Do you think it's okay to remove the Band-Aid, or should I give it another couple of days?

Government of Canada: Insulin Must Be Free - Sign the Petition! chng.it/FHRqFzNS via Change.org Canada

I am far too busy to listen to your problems. *Googles do penguins go to heaven*

Not to brag guys, but I'm an important caller and if I stay on the line, someone will be with me shortly.

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school? Me blowing on the coffee in my 'Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist' mug: which school do they go to?

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

*takes pic with mall Santa* SANTA: delete it

If you make fun of the cargo pockets on my swim trunks you probably won't be getting one of the friendship bracelets I keep in them.

*spins in circles* *dies* *gets stuck in corner* *dies* *spins in circle* *dies* [Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

*gymnast does a triple-double ultra-spin backflip-frontflip but takes a tiny step when she lands* ME: [mouthful of Pringles] what a loser

Me: Clean your room 4-year-old: I'm busy Me: All you have planned for today is to eat lunch and watch cartoons 4: That's two things, Dad.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet. 4-year-old: It's your fault. Me: You put them on yourself. 4: You should've taught me better.

Me: How was your first day of school? 6-year-old: We only went outside once. Me: What did you do the rest of the day? 6: Stayed inside.

[first date] HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs? ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on?

Darlene Boylan looks grand!

It's fine to eat a "test" grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it's all, "sir you need to leave."

My favorite part of parenting is putting a child to bed and she says, "Oh yeah, I need a zebra outfit for school tomorrow."

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now