There's not a lot creepier than distant ice cream van chimes at quarter past midnight.

"Everybody who died only died because they were weak. I am strong and they were weak and they are losers because they are dead and I'm not dead because I am a winner. Everybody who is alive: winners. They weren't real Americans because they lost. We don't have losers in America."

Outlook's response to my complaint about the junk folder swallowing important email chains went straight to my junk inbox. 😐😑😐😑😐

Word of the day is ‘ingordigiousness’: extreme greed; an insatiable desire for wealth at any cost.

The year is 2062; your job is now done by a robot. You've just pulled out of a Kentucky Fried Quorn Hoverthrough in your govt issue self-driving pod; a song from 71yo Ed Sheeran's new neo acid synthfolk album: √π is on the radio; And you're still unsure how to use a semicolon;

Left sock on first right?

They're like a row of sharks teeth; one falls out but another, just as pointy, slots in to take its place. Just because the replacement ones aren't as visibly twisted, or sticking out at a funny angle, doesn't mean they're any less dangerous. This might be an L disguised as a W.

#BREAKING: Since signing the suspension settlement with the NFL, Browns QB Deshaun Watson has also put pen to paper on a new deal that sees him switch cleat suppliers from Nike to Adidas. The deal means he'll be sporting beauties like these throughout the 6 year contract:

As a species, we are terminally fucking stupid.

I love having balls in my pants🥰🥰🥰🥰

#PutinGorillaSexTape is an an anagram of Ape Oral Sexting Tulip Ex Gal Turns Rage, I Plop It Telling AI, Pour Pat's Ex Eatin' Gloria's Exit Pulp And I Leg Papa Ox, Tiler Nuts Among others.

I have informed the BBC that I won’t be appearing on MOTD tomorrow night.