I've got a new game called 'Am I high or have I opened my eyes in a community pool and now only see a chlorinated painful existence of constant burning?!' #

Child prodigys really make me feel crappy I didn't try harder at things. 6yo Chinese kids juggling and solving Rubik's cubes and I'm struggling to u stand Negative gearing. #comedy

Man with face tatts telling me not to judge a book by its cover. Mate you have 'Cop Killa' in Gothica right on your forehead but I guess I'll let you mind my kids. Jerry Corley

If there's one opinion of passing judgement on #carolebaskin I want it's Gwyneth Paltrow. I really want to hear what someone who sells $120 "good vibration" stickers and snake oil has to say. #tigerking

North Korea may have it's first female dictator who is only 31 years old. I'm a 32 year old Australian man who can't figure out compounding interest.

Nothing is more terrifying in a long term relationship than hearing an audibly loud inhale with an even louder exhale from your partner from another room of the house. Either prepare for war or move states and change your name, something's about to go down. #comedy #Relationsip

None of this will help us find out what happened to Carol Baskin’s husband.

Joe Biden turned down a huge donation from Louis CK because he thinks he’s creepy. That’s like Chris Brown turning off the UFC because it’s too violent.

Sending 100 resumes and getting 1 response is the law of averages, its also an indicator of 99 people saying 'You suck'. #comedy #work Jerry Corley

Being told you have a 'curious nature' is an extremely polite way to describe a voyeur. #comedy #jokeoftheday Jerry Corley

Always be suspicious when someone tells you they meant BRB in a text when it says BBW. #erotic #comedy

Mary Poppins sequel should have shown the children all grown up paying tuppence a bag in a nightclub toilet

If 2020 was a Simpsons character #comedy #TheSimpsons #2020 #hillarious #TruthMatters

If you bring Dr.Pepper to a party instead of Coca cola there's a special layer of hell reserved just for you! #thoughtoftheday #comedy #drinking #coke

Do to chief Wiggum what we did to apu

Thought of the day. Imagine being in your 30s and still being in the Scouts.... without taking a break even once.

If Australia ever removes the Union Jack from our flag I nominate we replace it with a picture of a Cob loaf. The nation's motto should be "In Cob we trust". If you go to a BBQ and there's no cob loaf, is it even a party? #Australia #foodie

As far as Dystopian futures go this is pretty lame. Not from zombies, not from nuclear bombs or even from alien invasion. Instead we get a really nasty cold and a crippling world economy because someone ate a bat so we are all in a big old time out. #lamestapocalypseever

Joop purple cologne is the smell of virginity.

For most people #COVID is the worst thing about 2020, but not if your name is genuinely #Karen that's for sure. What a stitch up. #2020worstyear #comedy