Pre-Christmas: Hark! The herald angels sing! Post Christmas: Hark! The phlegm comes flying out!

Outback Steakhouse? Great! Outhouse Steakback? Bad.

I pooped in the Empire Stare Building. Thought you guys should know.

i’m not ready for the new year

The Black Plague, 1349

Roadtrip essentials at 20: Beer Roadtrip essentials at 40: A karaoke microphone, apparently

[January 1st] My resolution to aggravate my wife less has just taken a very bad turn.

Why is my wife reading about a woman who shot her husband 23 times for liking another woman’s Instagram post?

companies: we’re all family here also companies:

After 16 years of marriage you too can have the following conversation: Wife: I need duct tape Me: OK I’ll grab the duct tape Wife: No *I* need the duct tape Me: Yea I’m getting it for you Wife: What? Me: Wife: Me: Do you want duct tape? Wife: Yeah can you get it for me?

I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.

My five year old was watching the snowfall and said, snow is just cloud poop I’ll never be able to make snow angels again

I wish the people in my fitness class knew just how much restraint it took for me not to sing out loud and dance to "Push It" during our glutes track.

Me: Babe, this is gonna sound crazy… Wife: Literally nothing you say could ever shock me anymore Me: I have a plan Wife: *dies*

picking up my jeep from the shop Friday only to take it back in Monday gives you a clear picture of what it's like to own a jeep.

Me: What’s the date today? Wife: March first. Me [marching]: What’s the date today? Wife: [rubbing temples]

establish dominance by asking the officer if THEY know why you were speeding.

When you and your child can start texting each other funny GIFs, the next part of your life begins

I’m sorry for what I said after I ate too much hot sauce.