Ok, who in the world is buying high end designer watches at airports?! Do they come with a free lifetime supply of self esteem?

Airports: Hey! Know what would be great right after a super long international flight as you stand in the customs line in a room that is 175 degrees? Playing some extremely loud, really edgy jazz.

I love it when food is labeled. “great for snacking.” Like, what else am I gonna use that bag of trail mix for?

Weird sorcerer: to achieve the ultimate rank of adulthood you must attain these 3 things… A bag full of bags A favorite spot on the couch A pair of Costco pants

Has there ever been a key fob that DIDNT always have a low battery?

When someone rings the doorbell and I’m having one of those naps where by body fuses to the mattress.

I love how emails from companies about the data breach that just happened in which all of your personal information was exposed, all start with: “your personal information is very important to us.”

Currently engaged in an improv exercise where I practice coming up with excuses for why I can’t go to things I get invited to.

I love those little guides they have inside the chocolate box to tell you which chocolate is which, it’s like a little treasure map to obesity.

Sure working out is good for relieving stress and anxiety, but have you ever tried ripping the flesh from your cuticles until you’re bleeding profusely?

That face you make when you can’t get a hold of the little metal tab to open your soda can.

Practicing choreography as a kid in my room with my music turned up all the way, and the door closed

Flight attendants on 45 min flights: Thank you so much for the pleasure to serve you today. we’ve enjoyed getting to know you and are looking forward to having dinner together sometime in the near future and dog sitting for you and being a godmother to your unborn children

Flight attendants on multi-hour international flights: Please get off this plane as fast as your sweaty little legs can carry you. Do not look back, do not check for belongings. If we never see you again it will be too soon.

I love it when people come over to your house for the first time and say “give me the grand tour” OK here’s the place where I usually put the laundry, here’s some water damage and here’s a rug I literally bought yesterday. Here’s a toilet. I hope I flushed…

Servings per container isn’t a challenge (he repeated to himself)