Breaking News‼️‼️‼️ Watch out for this gang of Goons on your way home today! A group of high school age children that call themselves the kids next door have been going around shitting on people’s doorstep. The only explanation has to be generations of incest.

Breaking News‼️‼️Ayden(Beefcake) Bell has been charged on three accounts of sexual assault for wiggling through sewage tunnels to spy on local elementary schools. His stubby stature got him caught in the first place as he was found stuck in the tunnels due to his size

Breaking News‼️‼️Lucas(Pukas) Volden has been arrested for beastiality. He is known to have sexual intercourse with at least 12 chicken, 5 cows, and 4 hogs. Make sure to keep your pets close and your livestock closer.

Breaking News‼️‼️ Known drug lord Cooper(the cum) Cummings was found high in residence with 500 pounds of weed under his mattress. As the police arrived on the scene he managed to insert 2 pounds of cocain up his rectum.

We’ve took necessary steps to make sure Barstool Bolts administration is notified about the behavior of their student section.

Breaking News‼️‼️Owen Havlik will be in attendance at the 4a Showdown between Kennedy and Linn Mar. With this knowledge keep your kids close by as he is known to give them nightmares with his oblong head shape and poor face genetics.

Breaking News‼️‼️Armaaan Kurhan caught with his pants down… literally. Whilst on the job at the local restaurant called taste of India. It is rumored that he was adding his own “special sauce” to his ex girlfriend’s @malikakuhrans meal.

Breaking News‼️‼️Colton Duerling rapes the Dowling Maroons in the 4A state baseball championship. “We showed those punk ass motherfuckers how we roll on the east side!” Colton says after whooping their bitch asses.

It’s been fun. Face reveal! It’s me Calvin White the whole time

When u find out your girl was at diddy house swimming in baby Oil #CTESPN

Breaking News‼️‼️Jacob Eilders terrorizes the student section again! After going 0/17 on grabbing ass attempts at the powderpuff game yesterday he plans on lugging his stank ass to the front of the student section again.

Haven’t heard a fucking peep from the right side of our section tonight. Why the fuck are you showing up 2 hours early to put your thumb in your ass and not get loud. #dobetter

Breaking news‼️‼️ Leighton Wolfe arrested. Crime: is ginger!!

ATTENTION EVERYONE🚨🚨I have received information that makes me SICK. These high school barstools think they’re hot shit tearing down our names, we will NOT be having it. We will win the fight against this hatred. #burnersunite #westandtogether

Hunter Biden shoveling snow…

How school tires to teach us!?! Fred Shermer policeman joe Barstool Kennedy Gurr Gulmanutsack Ernie Rostwiler @Rick_Grimes141 Lieutenant Dan Braylon Edwards Braylon Edwards

POV: your mom asked if the dishes are washed. The dishes:

Breaking News‼️‼️ Leyton Wolfe caught jerking off to underage girls… again. Per a qualified source he was found with 3.7 terabytes of child pornography on his school computer. When asked about the accusation he promptly shit himself.

Dih to yo crack… say something nice about Tyler Hilton?!?

I stand by my previous statement.