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date: can you take off your work gloves Jim Henson: they have names

If some dead guy emerged from a cave, I would beat him with a shovel

Watched Renoir’s THE GRAND ILLUSION for the first time last week and it’s so good I’m seeing it again tomorrow at Doc, 7pm

you can just say things, it doesn't even need to make sense. my barista told me she's upping her sertraline dose and I said "that's so art deco" and she agreed.

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

If I'm guilty of anything, it's caring too much. And shoplifting

If you live in Halifax, come check out my comedy album recording on March 29th. I'll be doing my best jokes from the last 10 years. Tickets: eventbrite.com/e/harrison-wei…

What your tweet failed to consider is me, a stranger with bad opinions

I’ve just had delivery of 3 pizzas I did not order. I have called the police.

SORRY THESE ARE LATE I WAS BUSY IGNORING REALITY IN THE HOPE OF EXPERIENCING A BRIEF MOMENT OF HAPPINESS

It took 8 months, but we finally got the last item on our wedding registry.

[Leonard Cohen voice] I’ve heard there was a secret chimp

As an empath, I can sense when an evil billionaire is hunting me for sport

i love when a guy is humping on the pinball machine. destroying every shred of dignity just to get ball into scooby doos mouth. u laugh now but we need men like that in times of war

[Giuliani's final breath] Tell my family I loved...9/11

hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine

and if you look out the window you'll see my ex-wife's house. she's with Todd now,that's his Camaro. I probably shouldn't be flying this low

I just want a house with a tennis court and a vending machine and a chef. And a Jedi room. And a movie theater. Is that too much to ask?