Worst part of my morning commute? Hearing "Showtime, showtime" and spending the rest of the ride trying not to get clogged in the face.

Best part of my morning commute? When I reach Manhattan without getting dysentery. #colonialproblems

Is there anything worse than when they recobble Bedford at sun-up when you've been drinking well-past witching hour? #hangover.

Does anyone ever wonder what's happening in Canada? Sometimes I think I came to the wrong British Colony. #buyersremorse

The sun never sets on the PBR empire.

I haven't had HardTack this good since somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Thanks Peter Luger!

Remember when we were all like "Hail King George?" Weird. #TBT

"Wanted: Someone to paint portrait of me crossing East River in a boat. Must accept trades." -George W #CraigslistCW

One if by land, Two if by L train.

Paul Revere just galloped through screaming something. We get it dude, you're drunk.

It's like no one even noticed I was wearing a FOUR-corner hat today. No one has a fashion sense anymore.

I think one of the ship rats followed me ashore... hope that doesn't become a problem for New York...

Can we just pick a flag already? These clowns change their name more than British Aristocracy. Is it PRINCE or KING George

Ale at the spotted ass, some hoop-and-stick in McCarren, then just canoeing the fuck around and getting in trouble. Happy Saturday

At a party, got offered a "peace pipe." Made hilarious joke about how I'd take a "piece." #partylikeits1699 #IWillCatchAFatalDiseaseFromThis

Had a BLAST last night at 3 Musketeers alehouse. They've started serving these little chocolate "bars" with the beer. Weird idea, guys!

My "wacky" tobaccy delivery guy keeps saying he'll be here in an hour. It's like, dude, how long does it take to gallop across Brooklyn?

Seriously considering getting one of those tribal tattoos.

Dude, two-day food coma. Cherokee Jim did it up this year! Stuffed a grouse inside the turkey. Mind=blown. #2ndthxgiving #1stTur-grouse

I overheard two people talking about what I thought were N64 games... Turned out they were talking about tax forms. #1080 #deeptaxjoke