To all Republicans screaming to investigate Hillary and Hunter Biden. Congress/FBI investigated Hillary many times, including before the 2016 election. DOJ is investigating Hunter Biden right now. Democrats just aren't threatening to civil war because of it.

I'd like to announce I have a director attached to my new script, but I don't have a new script. I have a lot of ideas scribbled on cocktail napkins. Any directors out there interested? You can take two.

Mary Poppin

City editor Joe Robertson

I'm a lifelong Green Bay Packers fan. Our previous QB is involved in a scheme to funnel millions $ from the Mississippi welfare system to pay for a volleyball facility at his daughter's college. Our current QB lied about being vaccinated last year. #PackPride

Trump declassifying documents.

Final image from NASA's DART spacecraft before impacting asteroid Dimorphos. Not a minute too soon.

The fact that Herschel Walker paid for an abortion and no Republican cares, and the Lt.-Gov. of NC paid for an abortion and no Republican cares just shows that no Republican cares about abortion if it doesn't mean controlling women and sex.

It happened again! Joe Russo liked my tweet about him liking my tweet. It's Inception but without the braaaam. Soon I'll be jetting out to the coast and settling into a bungalow with an Underwood, a ream of paper, and a bottle of rye. Just like Mank!

TRUMP, DONALD J. V. UNITED STATES. Saw this on a court document and I feel like it's the title of a horrible book we've all been forced to live in for 6 years.

Are you kidding me?! Joe Russo and I are practically collaborating now! FYI -- I've got the perfect project for Russell Crowe...if he'll play a bear.

Hang on, Big Bizness Conservative. You told me if I worked hard I would be successful, and if I wasn't successful it was because I didn't work hard. Now you say I should just buy that status on Twitter? So were you buying your success all along?

If you give me $8/month, I will personally verify my identity every time you like my tweets.

Voting Republican because gas prices are high is like getting angry your kid's room is messy when your house is burning down.

Any time I hear "Today Donald Trump said..." I want this graphic pop up.

Cover of the annual corporate report for Twitter

Elon says that comedy is acceptable again on Twitter. BUT it's important to use the right kind of comedy. Please only make fun of fringe groups or minorities and use slurs if possible. They can take a joke. They have to. Remember, in modern America, punch down so you can't miss.

Hey Twitter, I like Thanksgiving dinner but I'm not going to pay to sit at the grown-up table. I can sit at the kids' table or just order a pizza and eat at home. I'm fine either way.

Wait! Twitter is going down and I haven't scored that crazy out-of-the-blue professional connection that cements my bona fides as a writer! Marvel Studios Bad Robot James Gunn ANYONE with a writer budget! Please reply!!!

Apparently James Gunn is going to lay out his plan for DC movies to Warners next week. Here's my plan. I'll slip in early, pretend to be him because coked-out disinterested execs won't notice, and score some free t-shirts! And maybe sign a first look for my talking bear novel.