New account. Prev account Charlie Mustoe locked. No football on. COVID-19. Just finished my shift at Subway. Bored. CM

Fluffy’s just been dumped. Bods are at boozer consoling him. Drowning his sorrows. Emotional. Heart wrenching. Currently sprinting to the pub as I compose this tweet. Emergency. Restaurant should be fine without me. CM

Healthy snack before a session at PureGym. Bulking season. Gains. Tonnes of protein. Always have ketchup on my food. The red of Arsenal. CM

.Tinder Support Having critical issues with my app. Purchased Tinder Plus. £9.99 a month. Failed to match with a single woman. Puzzled. Staggered. In shock. I assume resetting the app will help solve problem. Please respond urgently. CM

A treacle has entered the shop. Winked at me. Think I’m in there. She’s purchased a meatball marinara melt. Sexual innuendo. Wants Chaz’s six incher. Balls deep. She’s gone to the toilet. Left this on her table. Cheeky. Romantic. Naughty. CM

Meeting firm later. Ray. Mincer. Fluffy. Planning big night out. Discussing itinerary. CM

Absolutely distraught. Shaking with rage. Won’t be complying. Will break into pubs and pour my own pints. Nothing stops Charlie Mustoe. CM

Shutting down Subway® UK early. Customer just sneezed on my hand while paying for her footlong sub. Could have contracted coronavirus. Potentially fatal. Shaking. Snarled at her. CM

Walked out of Tesco with a crate of Stella to hundreds of people standing outside their door applauding me. Clapping. In shock. Startled. Tears running down my face. Charlie Mustoe finally getting the respect he deserves. Years of blood sweat and tears for Arsenal and England. CM

Good to see you’ve stopped looking like a lesbian and got a proper haircut. Buzzcut. Classic look. Professional. CM

Me and bods have congregated for tonight’s #ClapForBoris. Ray. Fisher. Fluffy. The lot. Few cans being distributed amongst us to combat the nerves. Tension. Apprehension. Praying he pulls through. CM

Anybody that isn’t outside their door clapping at 8:00pm is fucking getting it. Knocks on doors. Threats. Aggression. Love it😉. CM

Absolutely nobody on my street did the #ClapForBoris. Seething. Furious. Gave a few onlookers the wanker sign. Bods deflated. Currently consoling them. CM

Sun is shining. Birds are chirping. Currently sunbathing in Hyde Park with bods. Fully stocked up on beer. Born Slippy being blasted on Ray’s speaker. Could get used to this😉. CM

Hope this lockdown continues for the rest of the year. Getting paid to chill in the 1 bed. Sleep. Wank. Currently swimming in dosh. Plan is to quit Subway when this is over. Back on the dole👌🏼. CM