| a state trooper who has to take the same one lane road to get home after work, everyday | <car slows to almost a halt in front> state trooper: <takes glasses off> Mother of God.

Flopped my coveralls down to take a leak and received a heart attack from a loud metal clang. Apparently, I forgot about the saw blade in my pocket. That’s all well and good, but I came to piss and now I’ve shat me self.

01.27.2022 Message log: After 36 years of life, the ‘funny bone’ is STILL not. fucking. funny. Further research is not required. Note: possibility of further research extremely high.

[watching Wyatt Earp on Netflix] Kevin is drunk after his wife died and molotov’s his home. Me: He done fell off since Field of Dreams. Damn shame.

Alright America. That’s it for me. I’m done. I finally got scientific data for how I perform in bed. Turns out it’s so bad that my ole lady needs a whole day to recover. She has to mentally prepare for the next time 😞. Anyway, I’m sorry America. I’ve let you down.

There’s only one thing I know for sure in this life: If he got a headlight out, it ain’t a cop.

Apps these days are too invasive. Facebook will ask “what’s on your mind?” Bitch. Mind your business. I just beat off and now I’m cooking chicken in the air fryer. Can I live tho? Shit. Always up in my business.

Doctor, I can assure you, I take the utmost care of my body. Doc: What did you have for dinner last night? *long pause* Me: 37 Dino Nuggets.

startup idea - instagram, but it only shows you photos from people you follow and in chronological order

Cashier: Did you find everything? Me: Did you hide something?

BREAKING NEWS:

As a person who lotions my whole body after every shower, I wish there was a way for me to just dip myself in my lotion and be done with it lmao

If I had Mr Beast’s money, I wouldn’t help anybody. I would build a floating lab on international waters and hire scientists to invent weird, horrifying new animals.

Forget snowmen... Make me snow sharks.

It’s not my fault I’m attracted to men who look like lumberjacks or crab boat fishermen

You know those bumper stickers that say “football mom” or whatever I need one that says “my kid watches a lot of YouTube”

Who gets this reference ?

if my parents told me they were adopting a brother and brought home an anthropomorphic rat named stuart i would fucking lose my mind

All I know is terrorists have adversely affected my dream of one day owning an RPG. Thanks a lot pal.

I’m Manny’s cousin, Handy Manic.