I haven’t posted in like 7 or 8 years, back when I thought I was funny. Since then I’ve almost died a few times and my life is very different. Strange to be here but I’ll take it.

Twitface just welcomed me all over it.

I was hoping that by 2017 Ben Wyatt would be killing replicants. Who am I kidding? He would totally be friends with them. #ParksPremiere

Earlier I got it really rough from both ends. I mean, it was a real pounding. The cops even had to be called. We'll probably need a new car.

Can't wait for the release of "50 Shades of Coprophilia," even if it turns out to be shitty.

Last year the Lord had MRSA on me but this year I wish MRSA on the Lord.