To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN ISRAEL AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CLOUDLESS SKIES AND THE WRATH OF OUR RADIOACTIVE LIZARDS. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. WATCH YOUR SHOES!

[Ivy League school water polo practice] COACH: What the hell is going on here? KID WHO OBTAINED A FRAUDULENT SCHOLARSHIP (attempting to calm down a terrified horse): Everything is fine.

The Modeh B’Miktzas was always willing to listen to the other side. #LesserKnownGedolim

The Bochen Levavos was a gaon and a tzaddik and maintained an cardiology practice. #LesserKnownGedolim

Beautiful story told by Rabbi Norman Lamm zt”l. From the introduction to his sefer Halachot V’Halichot.

God and Mrs. Cooperman – Tradition Online traditiononline.org/god-and-mrs-co…

To anyone saying a shmues about or during the Super Bowl, consider opening your talk with something to the effect that Yiddishkeit, like the game of football, is a game of inches (and take it from there).

With the help of God I believe there is one in Upper Manhattan Yeshiva University

Re'vi'I, sorry.

The Empire would like to officially welcome Emperor Palpatine's brother, Pope Benedict XVI, to Twitter.

Cops broke up a fight between 2 neighbors named Hall and Oates. When they heard sirens, they were like, “Oh-oh here they come!” #fallonmono

Minimum height of tree is 10 tefachim, minimum width is 3 tefachim, yavesh is pasul as is gazul, noi is muktza. #Hilchoschristmas

#Hilchoschristmas obviously, minimum width is measured at the bottom of the tree.

#Pope Benedict XVI is retiring before he gets thrown down a reactor shaft by Darth Vader, like his brother Emperor Palpatine. #PopeResigns

Attention Sacred College of Cardinals, now looking for a new pope. @Chiefrabbi Jonathan Sacks will be available in a few months.

I had a joke about noten ta'am lifgam, but it was in bad taste.

Orrick Recognized as the Best Law Firm for CMBS at #GCAwards2015! hubs.ly/y0TNfp0

Mets advance to the World Series, a credit positive for Mets’ stadium bonds dlvr.it/CYmtSM

Obligation to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" at night and by day. Must re-watch if you miss a word. #hilchoschristmas