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Nothing ruins my day more than a sucker DJ who thinks they're fly.

Moose would have been a better name for a cow.

Way to go, you made the doves cry.

You smell sex and candy, but I smell burnt toast. Noses are weird.

I still haven’t forgiven Destiny’s Child for “automobills”

Fireworks are more fun to watch if you imagine them coming from Katy Perry’s boobs.

No Scrubs needs a companion piece telling us what women do want

*peeks out window between blinds and whispers* Here comes the Hotstepper.

I totally get it because I too am having a hard time keeping two boys from fighting during summer break

Sometimes Friends Grow Apart, Charlie Brown (TV-G, 2025)

i need a mixtape to fix my life

We all agree that diplodocus sounds like the dorkiest dinosaur right

Excuse me sir I’m not a hillbilly, I’m a MountainWilliam

Sussudio, you're breaking my heart. You're shaking my confidence daily.

last night i dreamt that my work had an abundance of office supplies allowing us all to work more efficiently and effectively. i need a vacation

This meeting could’ve been an email. Instead it’ll serve as my alibi.

Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness, and cleanliness is godliness, and God is just a stranger on the bus tryin' to make His way home.

My life is just one musical interlude after another.

Here’s your daily reminder to not forget about Dre.

You look like you microwave your chicken nuggets.