*using a megaphone in my car alone* and on ur left you'll see a beautiful middle aged man waiting to cross the street

*at a party voice* yeah i like KNOW Tom and Jerry. They weren't always like that

sandwich artists at Subway

scotch whiskey and looking at Michaels. Nothing like it

*pretending to throw bread towards seagulls whenever my date isn't looking * 'yea they like me for who i am'

if my kid doesnt look like this im gonna kill myself

Dodgeball

its that time of year Selena Gomez

ur an adult and u believe 'mailmen' exist?

trying to impress my date by telling her i have ring cam footage of a blurry bart simpson then acting like I'm being watched when she asks what I mean