Can yall stop normalizing stuff? I like weird shit

This makes me so incredibly happy, been feeling messed up since quar and this fixed it

Thought I was about to be in a threesome last night, turns out I was just aggressively flirting with two people who were about to go have their own private sex

If you're struggling to get past the trauma of the pandemic you should try what I've been doing: getting new traumas and piling them on top of the pandemic one to give yourself what I call a "trauma cushion"

Nervous (and excited!) to announce I will be staying in Chicago to become even more beloved and underrated

They should send a monkey to hell like they did with outer space

One of the best bits ever performed. I miss Dan a lot and even if you didn't know him you will miss him if you watch this.

Yall I'm not ready for ANY conversations

Here's a joke for all you lovers wondering "how am I supposed to fuck good these days?" (my standup special is free, link in bio)

No he doesn't 😕 (climate catastrophe)

Hearing people say "living in your head rent free" and um where are you finding these deals? I pay my haters $800/mo to think about me

Listening to comedians talk shop is more fun if you imagine LA means Louisiana

Oh my god I was JUST thinking that.

It's so silly they're dumping out all their bud light, like don't they know that pretty much every beer makes you gay

Sorry, but it's 2023 and I will not be laughing at your joke unless you put "Nobody: Me:" Before it. It should go before every fucking joke

Love when comedians say "some of you are gonna get that one on the ride home" yeah that's right buddy everyone's gonna laugh at your joke later, in the car. We'll probably applaud later too once we're snug in bed

honestly this is always my favorite part about Thanksgiving, creeping downstairs after everyone has gone to bed and sneaking into the kitchen to eat my uncle’s asshole

To the producers of The Crow remake: whatever you do, do NOT cast Alec Baldwin as the bad guy 😬