Am I ...A) psychic? or B) Have an anxiety disorder and have imagined such a multitude of worst case scenarios that it was statistically impossible for some of them to not have occurred?

Does skipping the gym to lay on the couch and watch murder documentaries count as #selfcare ?

If sexuality is on a spectrum I'm "all the guys from the 1970's Sesame Street to making out with Lizzo."

Good night age 25: Get black out drunk, hook up with a guy who lives in the storage space of a theater who may or may not be a serial killer. Good night age 35: Oh shit! I’m gonna light two different scented candles from Target and see what they smell like together!

My personal style is becoming 1890’s cockney match girl meets 1950’s geology professor meets Rachel Green.

You know you're flat chested when you're doing a self breast exam and you think you feel a lump but it's actually just a rib poking through a thin layer of boob.

I’ve never been to hell, but I have been to a Trader Joe’s parking lot the day before Thanksgiving.

Still don’t think #VanNuys is cool? Today I saw Gary Cole at our #LAfitness BOOM!

Me: “I should probably read ‘Where the crawdads sing’” ........ Watches six hours of trashy British shows where they make over reality tv stars.

Saw #CatsTheMovie. I have questions... Why is Taylor Swift the only cat with huge CGI titties? Why are the cat crotches so smoothed out that they're almost concave? WTF is a jellicle cat? Why is the scale of cats to human objects so inconsistent? HOW HOW HOW did this get made?

Okay #CatsMovie was a flaming dumpster fire yet, here I am five days later listening to the soundtrack so....🤷‍♀️

To do Mickey Mouse’s voice you just need to do an extremely high pitched Jerry Seinfeld

They were my Backstreet Boys, my *NSYNC, my heart. RIP #TerryJones I will always have a crush on you. 😢

Just wrote the joke “Prima ballerinas need primo bathroominos” is this the

Binged #LoveIsBlind in a theraflu stupor. Was that real or did I have a 10 episode fever dream?

I'm going to write a book called "Love in the Time of Corona" and instead of being an epic novel about the power of enduring love, it will be about how to resist filing for divorce from your spouse on day three on quarantine because they chew too loudly.

I hope tv executives are ready to read hundreds of new sample scripts about being in #Quarantine next staffing season

Every second of #QuarentineLife is a struggle not to eat my feelings

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