I can decorate a missile silo so that you wouldn’t even know it was decommissioned.

bugs are in control now

Only a monster would pull into an entrance that slowly.

sorry i picked you up and used you as a human shield

It's nice when a friend's kids are grown and we can resume our friendship

Most of the pictures from the 70's are of people sitting in lawn chairs.

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won't take you by surprise.

At least one person in a marriage should be able to whistle.

At the time, there was a bear who was a grizzly and a bear who was a chimp/long haul trucker. It was television at its most mammal positive.

In case the ban on blocking is retroactive, I'd just like to say: I'm still here, you jackass.

tired of referring to my dad in past tense

opens a bar for you and your friends called charlatans

might run for mayor might not

Without the cheese it would've just been hamburger in paradise. Really makes you think.

Raindrops are reincarnations of other raindrops. This is a big thought all by itself, but also I was eating yogurt.

missed another call from scam likely

Oh, vague, lingering, nameless dread. You and I have been through a lot together, old friend.

Don't worry about WWIII. If I learned anything from watching WWII movies it's that everyone that fights will be from Brooklyn, or the Bronx or a small town in Iowa

sorry i dropped a bucket on your head and punched the bucket

Dance like no one's watching. Cut that donut in half like you won't be back for the rest of it in 10 minutes.