farting so viscerally that my bones melt into goo

“Hey! Less peanut butter and more jelly amiright?” I say playfully to my wife making a sandwich. Without turning she says “I can’t even stand to look you in your eyes anymore.”

this collection of poems is called mr beast killed my dad

White people be like we’re exiling you from the discord bro

(To my lesbian coworker who I’m in love with) dude they’re on the precipice of developing AGI trust

I played sematary for my geriatric grandfather in hospice and all his skin fell off

The guys working at my local McDonald’s just booted up the first ever AGI on the server in the back room and it simulated a utopia within the restaurant

I have 400,000 goldfish in the back of this truck and I’m not stopping

My friend Nick was transformed into the Haunted Reaper when we were in first grade and I haven’t seen him since

I work at CVS and I’m giving out complimentary scimitars to customers that have an animalistic fervor in their eyes

I studied my balls for four hundred days and nights and I haven’t learned a single thing

Twitter asks me “what’s happening?” Everytime I press that one button like I have a fucking clue

Posting my grandfathers obituary on my opium wizard burner twitter account that no one follows

The secret network of spies and assassins I’ve been in for decades just ghosted me for no reason

My son is half Jewish which is insane because me and his mother aren’t Jewish at all and I took a paternity test it must have just been a recessive gene or something

My retarded adult son pretends kratom is the melange from dune and whenever he drinks it he starts animalistically sprinting on all fours

When I was 11 my older brother forced me to smoke K2 and told me in certain African tribal nations it’s a rite of manhood

I downloaded castle wolfenstein on my grandfathers heart monitor but the bitch nurses won’t let me play it

Creating fake business cards of my favorite cloud rappers and keeping them in my wallet so I can pretend I’m their agent

Apparently symbolic acts of prophecy is not a valid excuse for being late to work after you rode a giant tortoise to get there