Living as a dog in the Code family sure is “Ruff”! Get it? “Ruff”? Cuz I’m a dog? Seriously though, he abuses me sexually every day. Help.

The only thing uglier than my owner Matt Code’s genitalia is his football team. How would I describe the #Bills in one word? “WOOF!” #AnAlarmingFranchise #FogofFootball

Wow, this tweet came quicker than I expected.

My owners blanks shoot blanker than my own, and I don’t have any testicles. #SansSperm

Matt Code hasn’t walked me in months. Partly because he’s busy being a dad. Partly because he’s so old he can barely get around anymore. Either way, this entire house smells like my anus. #ShitHappens #DustCum #Rochester #BlackLab

Sitting on the floor, looking up at my pathetic owner in nothing but tighty whities, weeping loudly while he strums a worthless acoustic guitar. I know I’m supposed to be man’s best friend, but Matt Code- ladies and gents- is NO man. Fuck this. #FogOfWar #BlackLabProblems

Matt Code beats his meat to pictures of me as a puppy. #Problematic

My owner sucks.

Question for a friend- can you get doggy gonorrhea from an irresponsibly careless owner?

The biggest loser this Christmas is my owner Matt. No, he didn’t get any coal in his stocking... but he did get a bloody canine dump under the tree. That’ll teach you to pass out drunk before taking me for a walk, you absolute prick. #SorryNotSorry #CodeBrown #MerryDumpmas

It’s my owner’s birthday so I feel compelled to tweet, despite my lack of opposable thumbs. Happy bday, Matt, you cranky old fuck! I think today I won’t even vomit on your shoes. Tomorrow though? Gonna jam my paw down my throat and spew all over your clean laundry just for fun.

I just puked up my owners seed. Oh wait, no I didn’t. He shoots blanks.

I just fucked the neighbor in front of his best friend. And the best friend was the dog. #BuddyCodeDontGiveAfuck

If I had a dollar for every time I saw my owner get laid… I’d have the same amount of money I have right now. #50YearOldVirgin #CodeRedRocket

Matt can’t get Boners

I just had to feed Riley while my owner reaches hour number three on the shitter. That man has serious intenstinal issues. #RochesterDiet

My partner in crime Riley just left Matt a slimy surprise in her diaper for when his lazy ass finally gets out of bed. You're fucked, Code!

I may have moved out of #Astoria and up to #Rochester, but I definitely left a dump the size of my owner’s Giant head in the living room of our old apartment. Can’t wait to do the same in our new place. #FuckCode

Only fitting that the human pile of trash himself has moved back to the home of the famous #GarbagePlate. Like Pizza the Hut in Space Balls, it seems Matt Code is destined to die of self-consumption. #FogOfMalnutrition

My owner got a little older today. Spoiler alert- his ejaculate is still made of dust. #Viagra