It was the best of times it was the Dallas Cowboys of times

Are you telling me even the Pope was Kung Fu Fighting?

We regret to inform you that SpongeBob SquarePants has died from an acute case of dysentery. In lieu of flowers his family asks that you burn down a local Arby’s.

Apparently Olive Garden’s unlimited breadsticks doesn’t include shoving them up your ass

I could have 50 home runs and 50 stolen bases in a baseball season too, I just don’t want to

Dr. Bucky Isotope, arbiter of potato nomenclature You absolutely could, Bucky

Remember when I destroyed Aaron Rodgers so badly he blew out his Achilles

Trump 100% pronounces fajitas with a hard j

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Go watch this, I look really tired and depressed and you can call me old

I’m going to repost this every time they lose, so get used to seeing it

I wrote a rap song called Beastiality I win

The "P.F." In P.F. Chang's stands for plate fucker.

HE’S GOING THE DISTANCE HE’S GOING FOR SPEED