nobody notice I spelled his name wrong please

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: we have an unusual situation…there’s a man who is threatening to crash the plane unless we kill him first. Is there a murderer on board?
OJ SIMPSON: *starts to raise hand then puts it down then starts to raise it again*

Dr. Bucky Isotope, Astrologist, IQ 188 Running back maybe, but for my money Ray Lewis is the best NFL murderer overall

Props where props are due, OJ Simpson has to be the absolute greatest running back who was also a murderer in the history of sports

On this day 179 years ago the Confederacy, led Robert E. Lee, surrendered to the Union after Abraham Lincoln got Lee to ask 'what's bofa'

Saddest Purdue fan ever?

'Hello?'
Hey it's Bill
'Bill the loose cannon or Bill who doesn't understand metaphors?'
Cannons can't make phone calls Dan

Is it a bad sign I didn't get raptured yet, am I left behind

If you time traveled a caveman to the present day to watch the eclipse he'd probably be like 'don't bother me I'm watching porn on your phone this is amazing'

This eclipse is 100% Joe Biden’s fault, remember that at election time

Best part of the total eclipse is that you can walk naked down the street and nobody can see you

This eclipse is 100% Joe Biden’s fault, remember that at election time

Have at it

*walking into Wrestlemania* Three Hs??? In this economy?!?

ERNIE: let’s talk about what we saw in the 1st half
KENNY: the bench scoring was really-
CHUCK: have you guys ever fought a squirrel?
KENNY: what
SHAQ: I have
CHUCK: did you win?
SHAQ: I did
CHUCK: I didn’t
KENNY: can we talk about the game
ERNIE: *holds up hand* let them finish

Refusing to file my taxes this year because the vibes are off