I tried couples therapy with an ex. Obviously it didn't work out, I think because I showed up to our first session with a score card.

May The Cinco Be De Mayou

Taco Bell is NOT fake Mexican food. It's churrodivergent.

All clothing can be "camo" in the right environment. In Costa Rica my brightly colored floral patterned shirt is tactical gear.

My father who hasn't driven a car in 3 years and whose parking skills were questionable for years before that just said to me "Just once before I pass away, I'd like to park a car again." I was like "As long as I'm not in the car so I don't have to pass away too." We laughed.

I like rappers because they often pose for pictures like they just dodged a dodgeball.

"The one that got away" is a romantic sentiment unless you're watching true crime.

The hardest thing about being gluten free is going out to dinner and having to constantly turn down so much pussy.

I love giving other comics ideas/tags for their jokes because if they try it and it works I'm a hero, but if it bombs, I'm not on stage.

People talk about what hill they'll die on a lot. They'll be like "Pineapple does not go on pizza and that's a hill I'm willing to die on!!" I'm more like "Eat what you want because it only effects you and that's a plateau I'm willing to live on comfortably."

Sometimes it feels like T-Mobile is gaslighting me about having service. It's like "I told you you have five bars, why do you need to load an app? You don't trust me? Wow that's hurtful. Why would I load an app for someone who is so abusive?"

A met three people who were in a relationship together and they called themselves a "throuple". I was like "Triple is a word."

Do you remember when you joined X? I don't! #MyXAnniversary

Don't feel bad if you're falling apart, try to remember that we're all just human Boeings.

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I'm like "Oh no. You're allergic to cats."

People pointing out the dents in my car are auto-body shaming me. Bent is beautiful.

You're all playing checkers, meanwhile I'm playing chess. And that is why I keep losing at checkers.

I don't think doctors amd nurses should be able to tell me my blood pressure measurement without also telling me whether that's good or bad. They're like "Your blood pressure is 120/80" and then there's silence and I'm like "So... 1.5?"

It's gotta suck to be a pole vaulter that actually does make it over now. Everyone's like "Nice medal, short dick."

If you stand on the #KILLTONY sign up line for more than 5 minutes you will smell like vape juice for the rest of your life.