Welcome to your 40s. You mentally prepare to stand up now.

Doctor told me white noise would help me sleep, so I tuned my radio to a country station.

I wanted to make sure I remembered everything I learned from lumberjack training so I kept a log.

There were many signs that I needed to change my diet, but the "no shirt, no service" one my wife tacked over the headboard was the most direct.

Sailors don't play cards while the captain is on the deck.

She's a ten but she says hi to squirrels

How old were you when you realized Pat Benetar and Joan Jett were the same person?

Where the heck is my package, mailman.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down. Told her it's because I can't stand doing it

TMZ will find out you’re dead before you do

A group of alpacas is called apacka alpacas.

I don’t remember any of this shit being on an episode of The Facts of Life.

All my life Ive wanted to learn how to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

I had to use my wife’s deodorant and now when we watch a movie neither one of us knows what the fuck is going on???

That drum solo from In the Air Tonight, but it’s me just slapping my tummy waiting for the microwave to beep.

Just got depressed thinking that one day David Spade will die and we'll have to deal with his movie marathon

I’m an adult, but not the ‘makes responsible choices’ kind

Just blocked all the normal people, so if you see this…sup weirdo

This is my 25th year of being on the FBI’s least wanted list.

The older I get the more I love my morning coffee and no one speaking to me.