Just to put into context how insane this is, in his entire career Abraham Lincoln scored zero points and got shot in the head.

The Faithful Shelter

Being so bad at karaoke that it bums everybody out and the authorities show up and condemn the building

Perverts make great art? Sure. But, everyone is a pervert. So not very enlightening.

If I was Harry Potter I would have microwaved Dobby out of curiosity

Milwaukee Bucks Make-A-Wish America He was probably a top 5 player on the team

If I went to Hogwarts and I wasn’t Harry Potter, I would kill myself

For our high school senior prank we put the principal in a coma and he never recovered

I would’ve given airbud CTE before I let him score on me

Imagine being one of those astronauts looking down at Earth, and discovering that you don't feel anything. You'd have to pretend. I wonder if any of them are like that.

Yeah I’m on a watchlist - China’s “Real Ass White Boys to Keep An Eye On” list

black excellence would be a good horse name

Small business owners get sooo pissed when you crash your car into their store

had to restrain myself from telling a four year old she’s birthday twins with hitler

I am at the Washington Correspondents dinner. First I’d like to thank law enforcement for their swift response in preventing a tragedy. Second, almost everything you’re reading about this incident on X is false. There were multiple shooters and possible casualties.

why breed dogs with jaws large enough to tear through Flesh, when you could breed dogs with minds large enougj to tear through Fallacy.....

getting your shit rocked and then saying a one liner is such a good bit

pronouncing bjork like fugazi