[watching the deli guy slice my ham] u ever try pigeon meat

Why do rock bottoms have to involve drugs or alcohol? There was a period in my life where I was a vegan who drank lemon water every morning. I consider that to be my rock bottom.

I think we can all agree that hairdressers are the unsung heroes for looking at the pictures of celebrity hair we want and not laughing in our faces

idk i think precum is kind of endearing it's like aww ur so wet for me babygirl

crazy how many people my age are becoming teen moms ???

started asking guys on tinder their predictions for sports then text them to my dad.

ran into my ex while on a date with his literal doppelganger. not awkward at all

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start writing the declaration of independence in their notes app

if i got married i wouldn’t wear a white dress. i don’t want anyone to think i’m a virgin, that would be so embarrassing

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who’s terrified he’s going to put diesel in the car every time he fills up on gas

Went to my 20 year high school reunion and spent the whole time bragging about how I modded an old Gameboy to run Pornhub, which wasn’t even true.

I’m literally the only account on here that does Twitter correctly*. *On the toilet with a gun in my mouth.

At least Hitler didn’t do podcasts

you saw mommy kissing santa claus? the guy who murdered grandma

me stoned... has Mr. Sub been using miracle whip this whole time