FIRST WE CAME FOR YOUR MARRIAGES, NOW WE’RE HERE FOR YOUR CARS

EASY BEYOND MEAT TACO RECIPE: 1. Buy Beyond Meat 2. Cook on stove at medium heat 3. Drop on floor because you’re clumsy 4. Order Beyond Meat tacos off Postmates 5. Enjoy!

You can’t claim to be an easy recipe and then ask me to wrap each filet in grape leaves.

The gym will be empty. No lines in the stores. No waits at the restaurants. No traffic on the streets. Non-football fans, this day is ours. Carpe diem. #SuperBowl

I love receiving my high school alumni newsletter. It’s always “Joe X graduated Summa Cum Laude from Harvard and cured cancer.” I want to send in my update. “Chase McCown just blew $200 at a record store and is slowly learning to love sativa.”

TENANT: Can the maintenance guy hammer a little quieter? ME: Sure I’ll go tell him to turn down the volume knob on the hammer!

Whether you’re looking for a reason to be grateful or to complain, you’ll find it.

I only have so much sympathy for people who participate in the abusive and deeply homophobic church of Scientology. #willsmithchrisrock

When I invite people over and they haven’t left by 9 #OzarkSeason4

One coping mechanism I keep in my hip pocket is if any stressor starts to intensify, I simply close my eyes until I eventually die.

I wonder how people of faith would feel if your rights and freedoms were up to my secular beliefs? We keep going back in time to the detriment of anyone who’s not a Christian, and our nation was founded on a guarantee of freedom FROM religion. #RoeVsWade

Today’s a big win for all the Christians who told me I’d be better off dead than gay. #RoeVsWade

The increasing number of empty martini glasses lining my bath tub is commensurate with how close we are to Christmas.

If they speed up so you can’t change lanes If they’re driving slowly in the far left lane If they don’t let you on the on-ramp They’re probably driving a Tesla.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but please stop talking so much.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the sluts!

Los Angeles rn #Hurriquake

“It was a lovely service, I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Rest well, Matthew Perry. You fought for your sobriety. You fought for your happiness. You shined a light on addiction and conveyed it with humor and humility. You made high school happier. You made college lighter. And now you have found peace as your star continues to shine.