Slap a puppet, go to jail.

Do you like sitting and waiting for things to build? A career in computer science might be for you

My phone when my fingers are wet: Who tf are you?

Triscuits are miniature wicker placemats for cheese.

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

My apologies to everyone I sent forwarded emails to when I got my first email address circa 1995.

You can find out a lot about a person just by ransacking his house.

Just an FYI for next time, but putting sunscreen on your eyeballs during the eclipse isn't a good idea.

I wasn't drunk, I always ask people their favourite colour of the alphabet... I mean who doesn't?

How do i delete someone else's Facebook page

the tree is fucking horrified by your life choices

by 25, you should have fumbled your only chance at true happiness like 7 times

Can't. Growing out my bangs.

'Inside of you are two wolves' just went to a whole new level

I care for followers on here as if they are my children.

That's why I don't use my real name or picture on here, so none of them can find me.

Sidewalk: Please go right ahead

Car: NOT ON MY WATCH, ASSHOLE

What's your favorite movie about juice from beetles?