*at a job interview* “Can you perform under pressure?” Me: “I’m not sure I know all the lyrics but here goes nothing.”

One of these candidates used to act in low-budget horror films—but the real horror, writes Bess Levin, is the possibility of her, or any of these people, getting anywhere near the halls of power. vntyfr.com/Mt14lQc

I know a lot about writing comedy, so I bought a giant, unprofitable shoe store. I fired many employees and decided to charge Stephen King $8 a month to come to my store. Things are going badly and I believe it is the fault of a left-leaning powerful clown in upstate NY.

Try these tips next time the nazi militias are breaking into the government building you work in

i’ve seen enough: frasier is going to ruin his dinner party after a misunderstanding causes him to tell a series of increasingly elaborate lies that are revealed as such at the most inopportune moment

Report: Top Twitter engineer fired after telling Musk that “irregardless” is not a word.

great and scary story from Molly Jong-Fast

pre-elon twitter: pls free me from this hellsite post-elon twitter: Everyday with you all has been a gift. I owe my career, my friendships, and my marriage to this community. I’ve fostered compassion and activism each and everyday with you all, fighting the good fight (1/40)

My son was disappointed to realize that the US team was playing a country called Wales and not a large group of whales in what I guess he imagined to be a large soccer-seaworld extravaganza.

Posting "wow pretty problematic" under every single person's Spotify wrapped and then responding "it's not my job to educate you" when they ask what I mean by that.

Every Right Wing Show Host: We are going to have Kanye West on television to set the record straight about why this genius has been misunderstood Kanye West: I love Hitler

K*nye loves TWO political leaders who hide in bunkers when shit goes south.

Cities should have to bid to host the next season of The White Lotus like the Olympics

Will George Santos similarly claim that he fought in the Revolutionary War and won gold at the ’76 Olympics? Stay tuned! Read the latest from Bess Levin: vntyfr.com/0q6ZF3Q

This kind of thing never happened when George Santos was Attorney General.

Add it to the list: George Santos told a roommate he was a male model that palled around with Victoria’s Secret angels and was going to be in Vogue magazine. vntyfr.com/GDp6ydm

this is my royal wedding

Polls show that fewer than 5% of Democratic voters would consider voting for Marianne Williamson in the 2024 primary. But at this Marin acupuncture clinic, that number seems much higher.

With Trump riding high after an indictment, the only question left is: Can Biden score an indictment of his own ahead of the 2024 race?

Just remember: whoever tweets the verdict first will be remembered in history forever. Good luck everyone.