Having sex be like Wet the dries (foreplay) Wet the dries (creampie) Dry the wets (clean up) Wet the dries (peeing) Dry the wets (wiping)

Let’s turn this Townhouse cracker into a townhome cracker

Imagine rehydrating a cum sock in a river and the whole thing takes off upstream

Waffle maker?!?! You mean the X chromosome?

On a flight… nobody complaining, plane is fine. We’re drawing straws to see who has to make a scene for TikTok.

Filling out my performance appraisal with wide receiver tweets

falling in love with jesus and getting the ick when he gets crucified

Having a menty b (menthol break)

the authorities removing me from the Whole Foods olive bar

Sorry that emotion was too emotional. We all tie up that boat. And the rope sighs, the dock pretends it's wading and splashing a little like it's too young to understand in an unaware bathtub. Is this getting through or is safer harbor hypnotherapy some kind of fata morgana

they should invent a kitchen aid appliance that takes up even more counter space

hey! so…uh… aha..ummm *tucks hair behind ear* wanna come over and uh.. aha take care of my laundry for me and immediately leave once you’re done?

… open.spotify.com/track/3gHUrQ3A…

I ordered a box of coffee today and the girl asked me if it was for here. A box of coffee. With 12 cups. For here. For me.

Tells my teen something: I KNOW Asks my teen something: I DON’T KNOW

He-Man creator, in pitch meeting: You know how kids are dumb?

God made Nightmare Before Christmas sweatpants so Aidens could find their mothers easily in public

at this point i'm burning bridges just to feel some warmth

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

I’m never scrolling my main TL again. I have zero extra time to be utterly horrified.