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What must a pancake think when it's being flipped? Doubtless something jolly.

"Cognitive Dissonance" or that sick feeling in your heart, head, and gut that begins when your worldview is shattered and persists until you cleverly formulate your latest cope.

Getting out of bed is usually when everything starts going wrong.

OHMYGODSTOP! You’re going to mess up my eyebrows!

Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more. Me: And the drawback?

[smashes whiskey bottle against the bar] What did you say about The Andrews Sisters

I accidentally said "large" instead of "venti" at Starbucks and now the cops are here

Everyone loves when the scissors glide but when you tape the back of the present and the pattern on the paper matches up perfectly? That feels like drugs.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Monitoring for skin cancer is important. Equally as important is the ability to discern an odd new freckle or mole from warmed chocolate, errantly dropped, on your breast.

Sort of to the point? Cool. Meet you there.

it's Jane Austen's 249th birthday and I hope you'll celebrate by taking a turn about the room, developing a passion for dead leaves, inadvertently falling in love with the last person you could ever be prevailed upon to marry.

I’m the only one in my family who loves It’s a Wonderful Life so every December I find a night after they all go to bed to bourbon up some eggnog and watch it by the light of the tree. It’s a whole vibe.

How am I coping with this unspecial Thursday? I'm wearing my Go, Dog. Go! t-shirt.

I’m not built to work, I’m built to brood in a victorian estate with all my unread books

Some babies are pretty good, I suppose, but in general, I’m not a big fan of things that toddle.

I’m pretty good at eyeballing things, I mean, apart from uncooked pasta.

Running late gives purpose to our movements and a pleasant dissonance to our day.

I’ll have that lobotomy now, thanks