Is anyone coming to Eileen’s new jazz night at O’Ryan’s pub tonight? If so, Eileen says can bring along a piano and if possible some people who know how to sing jazz.

Eileen, your husband Brian called and wants us to tell you he’s been kidnapped. He says they mean business, and won’t untie him until you move your mother out your house and into the OAP home. He said he was sickened that they asked that, but you have to do it as they have a gun

We're recalling Granny's homemade energy drink cause of a few issues. Barry Owens is chasing after cows and punching them in the udder, Pat Fahy is dressed as Spiderman and is running round humping trees, and Fr Curry just defecated on his mother's grave. So pls bring back asap

Good luck to the pupils at St.Bridgets Primary school today doing their wheelbarrow safety proficiency test.

Brenda Quinn’s American cousins are arriving at 2pm today. She’s said for people not to turn up at her house for their arrival unless you’ve pre-booked a ticket. You’re welcome to stand and watch by the road, but tickets for driveway, garden and roof are now completely sold out

Padraig’s sheep Cher is stuck halfway up his chimney (she chewed through her cage and tried to escape up there). Has anyone got long enough arms to help pull her down? Granny tried, but her hands were too slippery after a tough day at the abattoir

Dr. Muldoon’s 60th bday pub crawl tomorrow! Starts 10:30am at The Thirsty Rainbow, then O’Ryan’s, then down the duck pond for gin and a fight club. Then Brenda’s patio 9pm (pls don’t wake her) and finally all back to the surgery for a silent disco (unless someone has music?)

A reminder that the dog bowl of water outside the shop is for animals only. Granny almost broke her neck tripping over Gerry Meehan again this morning. Thanks

There’s been reports that the Ballybeg Bigfoot’s back. Ann Foy fell in a heap of its poo when out walking her dog earlier. The lads down the station are currently tracking it. Officer Dunne says if you see any more droppings let him know. They look like horse but taste like human

O’Ryan’s pub wants to announce it now has a cocktail menu: 1) ‘Ballybeg Surprise’ (vodka with orange) 2) ‘The Cowshed’ (milk & alcohol) 3) ‘Brenda’s Warmer’ (Guinness microwaved 5mins) 4) ‘Bloody Mary’ (gin & tonic water) (Happy hour starts 11pm, last orders 10:55pm)

Congratulations to the Breen family who became the final people there in Ballybeg to get electricity. Well done. I’m sure it’ll be a big boost to your arcade shop.

John’s milk cart is broken, so until it’s fixed, he’ll come round to your house with Daisy in the mornings, and you can drink it straight from the source. Max 4 family members at a time.

Can people stop feeding Brenda’s cat? She says he’s got so obese he can’t fit through his catflap so Brenda’s had to take her back door completely off its hinges and now people keep wandering in off the streets and helping themselves to food from her fridge.

Christmas football cup final tomorrow! It’s O’Brien’s Pub XI (kit: Jesus) vs Niall’s Grocers (kit: Mary). Referee is Paddy Fitzmaurice (kit: Bono). First to 3 goals has to arm wrestle Old Fergal for a chance to knife fight Mad Mary for the cup. No kids allowed (except Tim)

If anyone needs eggs, Timbo Kane says he’s got 5 going as long as you don’t ask any questions. He says meet him at the top of the hill at midnight but make sure you’re not being tailed.

The hearse has broken down, so does anyone have a vehicle for Gary’s funeral? Has to be able to fit a coffin in the boot or on the roof rack. Niall was going to strap it to the roof of his 2-seater plane, but they tried it & it kept falling off on take-off destroying 9 coffins

Conor from the tech college says there are still spaces left on their Wheelbarrow Level 4 course. If you’re interested (and have a valid wheelbarrow license with no prior convictions), bring your wheelbarrow along 7am tomorrow, and wear clothes you’re not that fond of.

To everyone asking, the Christmas cards have now gone out and should reach their recipients 2 weeks Tuesday. Daniel