Anyone else get offended when someone refers to you as a pet owner? Like, wtf? I don't own them. They're members of my family, you insensitive fuck.

we’re dead?

Grand Theft Auto 5 is bullshit. I was in a taco truck and it told me I couldn’t pick up a woman with it.

I’ve accidentally sent my mum picture of my boobs so I followed it up with medical questions and booked a mammogram

Should I start tweeting again? I don't know if I have what it takes

my farmville crops rn

They keep pronouncing Putin like French Canadians pronounce poutine and this is confusing my brain's primary salivary centres in the medulla oblongata.

Etsy accidentally sent me a penis statue and I’m wondering if I could convert it into a peppermill.

This might sound controversial but I'm having a glass of milk

I found $5 in a hotel couch. proof that the economy is healing

My business card is just a piece of toast.

Plot twist: Leaves everything but takes the kitchen sink...

We're both adults. Let's skip the first date and get to the part where you try and stab me.

Canadians are so careless with their money

The Purge, but it's just everyone jerking off wherever they want.

[at a club] DJ: WHO WANTS SOME MEGADETH *crowd cheers* ME: (from the back) just a regular death is fine thank you

This is the weirdest karaoke place I've ever seen.