All the EMTs and RNs are guessing height and all of them said I was 6 feet tall. I've never felt so happy that people actually think I'm 6ft

This is the first year I can't actually participate in spooky season. I want a refund

They numbed my right arm so now if I twitch my right shoulder I literally become the destroyer of worlds

I realize after a month of not having any sort of responsibilities I can't tell if today is a Saturday or a Wednesday

My parents said I can't have fiber gummies instead of my pills because I'm not worth $2 a day

Outside the Twins v Astros game right now: “HOUS-TON ASTER-ISKS!!” (Via K🥥rl and @isaaccloos)

2020 did not get unbearable when I got obliterated by a Ford Taurus, it's when I woke up and saw this

A lot of you don't realize how hard I go for Halloween. For example, I really wanted to be roadkill this year. Instead of getting makeup and shit, I stood in front of a car going 45.

Most people are psyched about getting an A on their midterm. Me, I'm just happy I got 2 shoes on for the first time in 2 months

Who the fuck goes trick or treating at 2pm

Someone doesn't know how to interpret lyrics

Since I put in the adoption papers for Bob the beagle my parents have been giving me tips from Lucky Dog every chance they get

I am fully convinced if that dumbass kid didn't fall into a gorilla pen we wouldn't be worrying about braveheart rejects storming the capitol

This dude was full on cussing me out on facebook so I called him a fat kid learning to speak

I don't know what I did tho

Today I learned Canadians have a crippling addiction to ketchup