I've decided to carry a copy of my medical record everywhere I go. That way if I ever get abducted by aliens, they won't have to rummage around in my butthole to get answers.

I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

I don't make any noise when I'm having sex. Which apparently is a little weird. But I find when you make a lot of noise you risk the other person waking up, and they usually start freaking out.

A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby

Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath" Thanks for all the Birthday wishes everyone!!

Lost 25 followers on twitter when I changed my profile pic to "black lives matter". I know racism exists in the world I was just hoping it wasn't present amongst averagebaters. Equality is a prerequisite to justice. Not politics, simple ethics.

All lives DON'T matter! What about pedophiles, serial killers and people who clip their toe nails in public.....

I think there is a moment in everyone's life when they just realize there is more to life than touching strangers with your penis. I hope to come to that realization someday...

Some women won't leave the house without makeup on. Honestly I think I understand this more than most men, because I rarely leave the house without glittering my balls. I really feel self conscious unless my balls look like magical place.

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