[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over] Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok? Him: ya that's fine! *I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats "alright alright alright alright" starts to play on a loop* Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

Maybe someday, women in America will have as many rights as guns do.

I don’t have seasonal affective disorder I have an evolved biological predisposition to hunkering down for winter

Men, if you are bald it's because you are buying the "annual" hair seeds and not the "perennials"

Woke means . . . To be awakened to the needs of others. To be well informed, thoughtful, humble, compassionate, and kind. To be eager to make the world a better place for all people, not just a select few. To be against Woke is to be against basic human decency. #MAGA #GOP

Your stand up can be well received in a Walmart but it’s still not your Target audience. Thank you, g’nite.

*sees a picture of my girlfriend with Goofy at Disneyland* WHO'S THAT GUY?

Idk what rizz is but don’t get it on me while shooting your shot.

You know what? I’m just going to eat this entire bag of chips and get it over with.

Not now bitch, Matlock is on.

Groupies line up for JD Vance except they’re all just couches

Rest Easy Miranda Morley. You will be sorely missed. 💔

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

If you can't out-weird me, I'm not even interested.

[being chased by killer] ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*